Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
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HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Time for evil
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
starting a garage orchestra
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.