Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
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Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.