Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.