Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
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Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.