It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
WHY?!
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me