If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
next level snooze
<—- homeless romantic
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Always…
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”