coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”