Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.