Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
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Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
*weighs self after shaving
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.