The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.