Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
What’s a Messi?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia