*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Cndnsd Mlk
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way