*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Hit me in the face with a bird
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?