running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”