If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Knock Knock
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I can’t stop watching this.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Breaking news:
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
inside you are two wolves
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
definitely did not do anything wrong
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*