Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
You Might Also Like
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Plant care tips
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
But is it really??
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Put this video in the Louvre
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company