Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
🙅🏻
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Breaking news:
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.