Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
The French cow says MEUX…
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf