sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Where is your GOD now????
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Still my favourite meme.