i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*