[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
*limbos away from your hug*
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Cool shirt 🙂
me: my friends:
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.