I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I have two kinds of followers
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
*limbos away from your hug*
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie