Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.