If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Taking phone security to the next level.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
What do you hear?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?