Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet