“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
the saddest jazz hands ever
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed