[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.