Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive