ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?