[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or