[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
You deplete me
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat