Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
? 💀
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.