I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh