ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
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[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
that’s really how it is
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
the three genders
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.