Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
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Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
This is I, Robot all over again
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
#FunnyLife Insects
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed