It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense