HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep