My patronus is a cheeseburger
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.