everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken