Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*