when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it