I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Sunday
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it