*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings