me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
He’s dead
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM