I’m literally crying
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I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.