It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.