[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults