That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses