I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
You Might Also Like
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My dog ate my work from home.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.