Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Thursday
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.